I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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