what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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