I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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