He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
no. you can't hotbox the world.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
He better not be in your backpack
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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