I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
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