Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Randomize
