I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
