Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
