Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Randomize
