I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
