I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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