this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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