Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
