i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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