I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
