i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Randomize
