You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
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Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
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I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
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