I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
