My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.