I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
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What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
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im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.