i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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