If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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