just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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