pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
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