the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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