Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
