I accidentally had phone sex last night
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
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