Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Maybe he injected his testicle?
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
