We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
