1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
