i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Randomize
