Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
