don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
i think im in europe. pls send help
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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