I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
