yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
