the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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