I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Randomize
