Sorry, I don't speak sober.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
