Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Randomize
