I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
