he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Randomize
