My first STD was from a foam party
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
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All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
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And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
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