You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Randomize
