: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
