The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I need to calm my uterus...
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