I faked an abortion last night.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
