wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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