I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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