I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Randomize
