Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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