Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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