I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
