pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
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