i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
