phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
My ass is underappreciated
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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