i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Please dont use Danity Kane lyrics to describe your emotions.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
