so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
