The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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